Recently I realized just how significant numbers are. It is so easy to allow numbers to define how I view myself. We use numbers to tell us how we rank compared to others (1st, 2nd, 3rd...), how "smart" we are (grades, ACT scores...), how attractive we are based on what the scale tells us or what size our jeans are, whether we ate "good" or "bad" based on the number of calories we consumed, whether we are physically fit or out of shape based on how many minutes we exercise, or how many miles we can run. I have a bad habit of attaching emotions with these numbers. With eating disorders, there is an irrational fear of seeing the number on the scale go up. I choose not to weigh myself anymore to help stop this obsession. But, recently at an appointment, I accidentally found out my weight. I didn't know what to do with this number. Once it hit me, I immediately ran back to negative thinking habits. I went back to times when I remembered being that number, and I remembered how inadequate and insecure I felt. I went right back to that miserable, lonely, embarrassed person. I felt like I was right back where I started. I felt depressed, ashamed, guilty, afraid, and lonely. It was my immediate response to seeing this number; I allowed it to change how i felt about myself as a person. In just a matter of seconds!
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AuthorAnna Tague Archives
January 2018
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