"Mysteriously and in ways that are totally remote from normal experience, the gray drizzle of horror induced by depression takes on the quality of physical pain. But it is not an immediately identifiable pain, like that of a broken limb. It may be more accurate to say that despair, owing to some evil trick played upon the sick brain by the inhabiting psyche, comes to resemble the diabolical discomfort of being imprisoned in a fiercely overheated room. And because no breeze stirs this caldron, because there is no escape from the smothering confinement, it is entirely natural that the victim begins to think ceaselessly of oblivion." - William Styron
Many times I have wished my mental illness was visible. Although, in many ways it is visible; it makes its appearance in weight loss, angry outbursts, sleeping all day, and tears of hopelessness, etc... But many times we don't know that someone is struggling with a mental illness just by these outward signs. And when I am feeling depressed, the absolute last thing I feel like doing is telling someone about it. So I think, maybe if they could somehow SEE this illness I am suffering from, they would understand. It breaks my heart when I know I have let my mom down by not showing up to a meal she has worked hard on, I feel guilty for backing out on plans with a friend, I am embarrassed that I try to avoid all contact with those around me in public, I feel shame when I tell my boyfriend I just can't see him and I don't even know why, I hate myself for not being able to pick up the phone and call a loved one to stay in touch. I wonder, if they all saw what I FEEL holding me back, maybe they would understand, and that would alleviate some of the guilt I feel for letting others down. The guilt is a vicious cycle; I get depressed and "let someone down", then I constantly think about how much I have failed as a friend or family member, which adds on more and more guilt, which then leads to deeper depression.
In some of my darkest times, I have wondered, "Maybe if they could see these chains that hold me captive and tied to my bed. If they could see the tears that fell as I lay chained to my bed all day. If they could see the thoughts of utter hopelessness, fear, and despair that overcrowd my tired mind. Maybe if they could see the inevitable doom I feel waiting to happen, weighing me down, and holding me back. If they could see the locks that seem to be on my door, making it impossible to get out. Maybe if they could feel my heart racing, and my palms sweating when I am around others. Maybe if they saw the tears I cried as I escaped from a social event that felt like a near death experience. If they could see how in a room full of people, it feels like a tornado of chaos and noise going on all around me, threatening me and closing in on me, and how when this is happening, it's all I can do to pretend that I am engaged in a conversation, it takes all of my energy to try and listen to what someone is saying, to keep eye contact with them and not scan the room constantly for the threats I feel all around me; I worry that they will see right through me, into my terrified eyes, and wonder what is wrong with me, wonder what a fake like me is doing pretending to be normal. I wonder, maybe, if they saw all of these things my mental illness is doing to me, they would understand.
I remember seeing commercials for antidepressants on tv when I was young, and I didn't think much of it. I just thought that it was a pill for people when they felt sad. I had no idea what a serious illness depression really is. I first fell into a pit of depression at the age of 13. I did not know what was wrong with me, but I knew life was overwhelming, exhausting, unfair, and terrifying. It has been a daily battle (that I feel I lose more often than not). It hits with out a warning: on sunny days and on gray days, during happy times and during sad times. I would never wish a mental illness on anybody, but, I do wish that everyone could understand what someone is going through when they are suffering from a mental illness.
Some days feel hopeless, and sometimes the future is a terrifying thought, but every day God is Good!
"May the God of hope fill you all with joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." - Romans 15:13
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
Many times I have wished my mental illness was visible. Although, in many ways it is visible; it makes its appearance in weight loss, angry outbursts, sleeping all day, and tears of hopelessness, etc... But many times we don't know that someone is struggling with a mental illness just by these outward signs. And when I am feeling depressed, the absolute last thing I feel like doing is telling someone about it. So I think, maybe if they could somehow SEE this illness I am suffering from, they would understand. It breaks my heart when I know I have let my mom down by not showing up to a meal she has worked hard on, I feel guilty for backing out on plans with a friend, I am embarrassed that I try to avoid all contact with those around me in public, I feel shame when I tell my boyfriend I just can't see him and I don't even know why, I hate myself for not being able to pick up the phone and call a loved one to stay in touch. I wonder, if they all saw what I FEEL holding me back, maybe they would understand, and that would alleviate some of the guilt I feel for letting others down. The guilt is a vicious cycle; I get depressed and "let someone down", then I constantly think about how much I have failed as a friend or family member, which adds on more and more guilt, which then leads to deeper depression.
In some of my darkest times, I have wondered, "Maybe if they could see these chains that hold me captive and tied to my bed. If they could see the tears that fell as I lay chained to my bed all day. If they could see the thoughts of utter hopelessness, fear, and despair that overcrowd my tired mind. Maybe if they could see the inevitable doom I feel waiting to happen, weighing me down, and holding me back. If they could see the locks that seem to be on my door, making it impossible to get out. Maybe if they could feel my heart racing, and my palms sweating when I am around others. Maybe if they saw the tears I cried as I escaped from a social event that felt like a near death experience. If they could see how in a room full of people, it feels like a tornado of chaos and noise going on all around me, threatening me and closing in on me, and how when this is happening, it's all I can do to pretend that I am engaged in a conversation, it takes all of my energy to try and listen to what someone is saying, to keep eye contact with them and not scan the room constantly for the threats I feel all around me; I worry that they will see right through me, into my terrified eyes, and wonder what is wrong with me, wonder what a fake like me is doing pretending to be normal. I wonder, maybe, if they saw all of these things my mental illness is doing to me, they would understand.
I remember seeing commercials for antidepressants on tv when I was young, and I didn't think much of it. I just thought that it was a pill for people when they felt sad. I had no idea what a serious illness depression really is. I first fell into a pit of depression at the age of 13. I did not know what was wrong with me, but I knew life was overwhelming, exhausting, unfair, and terrifying. It has been a daily battle (that I feel I lose more often than not). It hits with out a warning: on sunny days and on gray days, during happy times and during sad times. I would never wish a mental illness on anybody, but, I do wish that everyone could understand what someone is going through when they are suffering from a mental illness.
Some days feel hopeless, and sometimes the future is a terrifying thought, but every day God is Good!
"May the God of hope fill you all with joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." - Romans 15:13
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33