It’s been awhile since I have sat down to write. Not that I haven't wanted to, but sometimes it is hard to find the words. I find it is easier to write, and share, when I am on the “other side” of hard times. This is a vulnerable post, but something I have wanted to share for awhile now. It is about something a lot of us go through: heartbreak.
You may remember I shared about my eating disorder (progress-not-perfection.html), and struggles with anxiety and depression (invisibly-handicapped.html) in 2015. I thought that things could only go up from those low points. And in so many ways, they did! All because of God. But God also brought me through a different kind of suffering; heartbreak, loneliness, and the deep valleys of grief. But I am thankful. I thank God that He allowed me to still praise Him and lean on Him, when I had no where else to turn. He is ALWAYS there, and He is ALWAYS good.
I remember vividly Christmas Eve 2016; if it’s possible for your heart to be literally broken, mine was. I was crying again so hard that my whole body hurt. But it didn’t compare to the hurt I felt inside. I wanted to be watching the Christmas movie my family was watching in the next room, but I couldn’t get up off the floor. I literally couldn’t stop the tears. My eyes and throat burned. I remember crying so hard I was shaking. I have never cried more in my life than I did that whole year. I couldn’t go to social events because I could not stop crying no matter how hard I tried. The smallest and most random things would trigger a memory, and the tears would come. I would drive around town crying, I would cry in the shower, I would cry myself to sleep, I would cry in church, I would cry while distracting myself with a movie, I had to pull my car over because I couldn't see I was crying so hard while driving. This was my 2016. I felt a heartbreak and loss that I had never experienced before. I’m not saying any of this to make people feel bad for me. But to let you know that you are not alone, and you never know what someone is going through. If you feel so much pain that you can’t remember what it feels like to genuinely smile or feel joy, you are not alone. Through this I learned that sadness and grief are not bad things. And people have been going through this ever since the beginning. Here are some bible verses that helped me and brought me comfort:
Psalm 42:3, "My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all day long, "Where is your God?""
Psalm 39:12, "Hear my prayer, O Lord, and give ear to my cry; do not be silent to my tears..."
Psalm 56:8, "You have taken account of my wanderings; put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?"
John 11:33, "When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled."
I did not understand God or what His will was during this time. I questioned Him, but never His goodness. Remember that God loves you. His plans are not always what we picture, but they are always for His glory. I am thankful that God drew me closer to Him throughout the heartbreak. He revealed His mercy to me by blessing me with friends and family who would cry with me and support me through prayer and love. He didn’t make the pain go away, or give me what I thought I wanted, but He was always there. I cried out countless times, “Why? WHY are you doing this? Don’t do this God, please God. No.” He held me in His goodness and mercy. He comforted me through His sovereignty. He healed my broken heart with His beauty. He gave me hope through His word. He gave me forgiveness for others, through His forgiveness of my sins. He gave me company with His Holy Spirit. He is our Provider. He is the ultimate Healer. He is all we need. And He alone brought me out of heartbreak. No wound is too big for God to heal.
I have also learned that God knows me better than I know myself. He knows what I need, and He knows what is best for me. He knows the deepest desires of our heart. After all, He did knit me together in my mother's womb. He created me. He has a purpose for me and you. For as long as we have breath in us, there is a reason we are here, God can use you for good. We can worship Him, and He can use us to love others. God has blessed me more than I ever dreamed, and He has proven Himself faithful. He can heal every wound, and He will fill every void.