A day that I will never forget.
A day that changed my life.
A day that marked an end and a beginning.
This day marked the beginning of my journey to recovery from Anorexia Nervosa.
The fuel driving my eating disorder was anxiety and depression; two life-long companions of mine that nearly took me to my grave physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
This day started out like any other. Actually, much better than other days, because I walked out to my car to head to work to find that my boyfriend had left flowers and a note with a bible verse on it, on my car. Little did I know just how much this note would help me get through this most terrifying day I was unknowingly headed into. I had no idea stepping out of my apartment that morning that I wouldn't be back for quite some time...
I left work early to go to an appointment with my psychiatrist. My parents told me the night before that they wanted to be there also. As soon as we all uncomfortably sat down in the room, they expressed their deep concern for my health and wellbeing; things I had heard from them many times before, that in no way made me want to loosen my grip on my eating disorder (which I still did not believe I had). I thought that my parents were just there so they could get some advice from my psychiatrist; I had no idea they had been making plans with her and my therapist to send me to treatment. They explained how I had no option but to go to treatment. I couldn't continue "living" this way. I refused, over and over. I have never felt more broken, helpless, hopeless, defeated, and utterly terrified in my entire life. I had hit rock bottom, and I couldn't see a way out; if I stayed, I would slowly die as I lived in my own hell. My mom had tears in her eyes as she said through a shaky, desperate voice, "I want my daughter back."
I wasn't brave enough to head towards recovery alone and for myself, but, I could do it for my family. I had to.
So, despite every fiber of my being telling me not to, I agreed to go. "When will I go?" I asked, thinking maybe in a week or two. "Now. Your bags are packed and your sisters put them in the car while we've been in here." my dad said. I felt betrayed. I was angry; my whole world was flipped upside down and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My mind was spinning, my thoughts were racing and my heart was beating out of my chest. We drove to the airport, flew to Phoenix, then drove to *Remuda Ranch. I had no idea what to expect, and what huge changes lied ahead.
A nurse gave my parents and I a tour of the facility when we arrived. I asked her what an average length of stay was, she responded, "30 days." My mouth literally dropped open. I had no idea what to expect, but I naively expected something more like 2 weeks. I told my mom, "I am NOT staying that long!" But oh yes I was. Saying goodbye to my parents was so hard and scary. I felt like a sick child being left behind by her only security, in a strange and scary place.
The 2 months that followed were amazing. Amazing and full of pain, heartbreak, physical and emotional healing, joy, turmoil, and many lessons learned. I connected with girls who have amazing stories; girls that I had the privilege and honor of meeting, and I will never forget them. In this secluded, beautiful ranch, I healed with every sunset I watched, every tear I shed, every prayer, every horse I groomed, every tearful and joyous meal shared. I learned how to laugh again! I miss Remuda Ranch. While I was there, I so badly wanted to be better and be home, I wanted to stop dealing with past wounds that were deep within me and holding me captive. But, I wouldn't be where I am today if I hadn't stuck out those two terrifying and amazing months. I am no more comfortable in my skin today than I was a year ago. I'm hoping that someday that will come. But, I remind myself that I have grown in more ways than one; I now know that I can get through the most difficult and treacherous of times. I can climb out of deep, dark pits with no visible way out. I can get through with God; He is the ultimate Healer!
When I found myself in a world where every face, and every thing was new and scary, God remained the same. I had no friends when I got there, nothing safe or familiar. But God spoke to me through His Word; the same truth He has been speaking to me for years. He truly filled me up with strength and courage. The same God who stayed with me through my childhood, through my diagnosis of Diabetes at 13, through high school, through the many changes that college brought, through brain surgery at 19, through times of joy and times of pain...that same God was there with me in my vulnerable moments at treatment. He never leaves us. It takes losing every single privilege and "power", to fully see and feel Him again.
I can't even begin to thank my family and friends enough. Thank you mom and dad for knowing what's best for me and supporting me in so many ways. I wouldn't be here today with out you. Thank you to the rest of my family for all of the letters, for visiting me, for the prayers, for learning how to support me, and for loving me. Last, but not least, thank you David Vincent. Thank you for writing me a letter every single day, thank you for sending me packages, thank you for sending me flowers, thank you for every prayer, thank you for never giving up on me, thank you for sticking by me when others told you not to, thank you for loving me when I am unlovable, thank you for not leaving me when I push you away, thank you for making me feel beautiful, and thank you for the many times you have wiped away my tears.
I am nowhere near perfect, and I still have many struggles. But, I am learning to forgive myself, ask for forgiveness from others, get back up when I'm down, and never give up.
1 Peter 1:3 "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to His great mercy, He has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead."
*http://www.remudaranch.com